Genderqueer Love Song

No I don’t wanna be an oppressive grammarian,
They’re the one for me!
No I don’t wanna be an antiquarian,
They’re the one for me!

(chorus)
Genderqueer! Love Song!
Genderqueer! Love Song!
Genderqueer! Love Song!
Genderqueer! Love Song!

No I don’t wanna be a gender sectarian,
They’re the one for me!
I don’t wanna be a fascist, I’m not Aryan,
They’re the one for me!

(chorus)

No I don’t need a box to catch this fairy in,
They’re the one for me!
I don’t care if they’re testicular or ovarian,
They’re the one for me!

(chorus)

No I don’t wanna be an antidisestablishmentarian,
They’re the one for me!

Gay Shame

You did what the HRC said you should
So gay yuppies and white old dudes
Can take over working class neighborhoods
And buy organic groceries at Whole Foods

 
Congratulations to the married men
And the runaway queers eating your hors devours
I’m sure you invited them to the party
‘Cuz we all know who “equality” serves.

(chorus) 
GAY SHAME. GAY SHAME. GAY SHAME.
GAY SHAME. GAY SHAME. GAY SHAME.
GEH HEIM, GEH HEIM, GEI HEIM.

 
You say feminists are Delilah to your Samson
Busting your balls like a condom of lambskin
Trans boy buddies, you say you’ve got a passel
But trans girls have elected you National Asshole

 
You see me fully clothed and you’re scared of my man-cunt
But there’s pictures of your nutsack on Grindr and Manhunt
Say you’re not sexist, just a regular homa
If vaginas remind you of the whale that ate Jonah.

 
(chorus)

You ask me why I won’t marry my boyfriend
You can’t even see how the movement’s been poisoned
“Genderqueer” is not in your vocabulary
You haven’t talked to a lesbian since 1993

 
You sell conservative systems as innovation
You don’t see a problem with gentrification
You don’t know if your landlord is Russian or Haitian
You walk the streets of Brooklyn with your pure-bred dalmatian.

 
(chorus)

You’re Not The Only Bear I Fisted

I wore my leather chaps to the Eagle
The bouncer said, “Queen, you aren’t legal.”
So I said, “No really, I’m 29
and if you let me in, I can do you from behind.”
The bouncer said, “Boy, you wanna top me?
I’m huge and hairy, can’t you see?”
“Just drop your pants, Sir,” I insisted
“You’re not the only bear I fisted.”

(chorus)

You say I’m limp-wristed
But you’re not the only bear I fisted! (x2)

I wore my vinyl suit to the Cock
Some guy said I looked like Dr. Spock
That flaming trekkie was cute but snotty
So I said, “Bend over and I’ll beam you up, Scotty.”
He looked at my crotch and said, “You don’t have the power,
You must live long to prosper from a golden shower.”
I said, “Don’t get your boxers twisted,
You’re not the only bear I fisted.”

(chorus)

I wore my skinny jeans to the Phoenix
Some furry guy said, “You don’t have a penis.”
“Sure I do, but whatever, let’s not talk semantics
Take off your clothes and I’ll get my hand slick.”
So he took out his dick and I said, “No, turn around.”
And I got out a glove and lube by the pound.
He growled and he roared and his glasses got misted.
He’s not the only bear I fisted.

Hold My Yod

Isn’t it lovely that we’re friends wouldn’t it be fun to pretend
That you’re the rabbi and you caught me skipping class
I did not recite my prayers so bend me over the classroom chair
Pull my hair and fuck me in the ass

It’s so delightful that we’re friends and that I’m not completely gay
So punish me for working so hard on the holy day
Show me how to find G-d for I’ve been a wayward Jew
And I need to be told what to do

(chorus)
oy oy oy oy oy

Isn’t it charming that we are buds two years of T made me a stud
So shove me into the wall with an alarming thud
I hope you don’t mind that I’m smitten looking at the places you
Left a giant black and blue

(chorus)

Isn’t it pleasant that we’re chums aren’t you glad we aren’t frum
So won’t you beat me with a flogger on my bum
You make me come in such a complicated way
Oh what would Shmuley say

(chorus)

You inspire something tender you require something shmlatzy
Oh you bring out something emo, something fuzzy soft and artsy
Shove things in my mouth benevolently tie me up magnificently
Bite me and not too gently
You beat me up so elegantly

The Binding of Isaac

Rosh Hashanah apples and honey and nuts are grinding,
The synagogue’s packed but I’m only binding.
I look like I’m twelve — at least my face is not a pizza,
But no one seems to know me on this side of the mechitza.

(chorus)
The binding of Isaac!
Bum diddy bum bum bum!

Old Marvin from the Y, who I’ve known since I was three
Asks my dad, “How’s your daughter?” not knowing that was me.
Dad says, “Elaine is fine.” He smiles and begins to shuckle,
I look down at the Machsur and my knees begin to buckle.

(chorus)

The rabbi calls Eliezer ben Yisroyel to the bima,
This parsha’s super creepy and I really miss my Ima.
The ram is in the bush, but don’t look so cowardly,
Bind the cloth around my chest, daddy overpower me.

(chorus)

FTM at the DMV

You’ve got your peius in a curl
But your driver’s licence says you’re a girl
You’ve got black slacks and a small round hat
You feel like Yentl (What’s that?) It’s Pat!

Everyone says you’re what you’re not
You didn’t even drive here because it’s Shabbat
You love your car so much, you want to lube her
But you’re stuck in line reading Martin Buber!

(chorus)
You’re FTM at the DMV
FTM at the DMV
FTM at the DMV
And you’re a Conservadox Jew!
(#2: And you’re a Reconstructionist Jew!
#3: And you’re a Humanist Jew!
#4a: And you’re an Atheist Jew!
#4b: And you’re a Marxist Jew!
#4c: And you’re a Jew Jew Jew!)

The girls in the line treat you like a pariah
A crazy old man’s shouting ’bout the messiah
The workers are laughing at your legal name
You’re full of pastrami and societal shame!

Everyone says you’re what you’re not
You didn’t even drive here because it’s Shabbat
You love your car so much, you want to lube her
But you’re stuck in line reading Martin Buber!

Your mama’s sittin’ shiva ‘cuz punk is dead!
Your papa’s sittin’ shiva ‘cuz punk is dead!
Your uncle’s sittin’ shiva ‘cuz punk is dead!
Your grandma’s sittin’ shiva ‘cuz punk is dead!
Your tante’s sittin’ shiva ‘cuz punk is dead!
Your rabbi’s sittin’ shiva ‘cuz punk is dead!
Your cantor’s sittin’ shiva ‘cuz punk is dead!
Your mohel’s sittin’ shiva ‘cuz punk is dead!

(chorus)

Homotaschen

I was in the land of Shushan at the court of King Antiochus
Whose punk rock shows were full of rabid pro and anti-Zionists
So ethical, they thought that compromise made you a dickhead
So I went off looking for a punk rock boy who was purely wicked.

(chorus)
I wanna eat your Hamentaschen!
I wanna eat your Hamentaschen!
I wanna eat your Hamentaschen!
Bend over Haman, be my queen.

Haman had a dungeon where ten minions used to dangle
His mohawk was a rainbow and his hat was a triangle
He was a master baker, like a cookie he would fill me
I said, “I love you Haman, even though you want to kill me!”

(chorus)

I tied old Haman up with rope, I spanked her and undressed her
He was the pillow princess at our Banquet of Queen Esther
I need a hamentaschen hole to put my stuff in
So hold onto your pillow and gaaaaaaay shlufen!

(chorus)

Maybe She’s Shomer Negiyah

There’s a party at the synagogue for Simchat Torah
Everybody is dancing the hora
I find myself a spot next to Shlomo
All this handholding is a little bro-mo
Oy vey! if they find out that I’m trans
They don’t recognize me with tzitzis and pants
Even though I have a beard and spectacles
They won’t hold my hand if I don’t have a schmeckticle

And all the ladies are like “who’s this darlin punim?
I heard he’s a feygeleh who likes the bonim
But nobody minds listening to a man sing
Before my transition it would have led to mixed dancing
So while they’re all doing the Hava Nagila
Let’s go to my house and smoke a nargilah
But if you think that this is a shidduch then see ya
Because I could never be shomer negiyah

(chorus)
You met a nice maydelah but you’re not gonna shtup her
Even all the feygelehs know that some girls just want a chupper
Maybe she is monogamous, I have no idea
Or maybe she thinks I’m a Zionist/Communist/hippopotamus
Or maybe she’s shomer negiyah

Yai di dai dah dai dai dai dai
Yah di dai dah dai dai dai

I can assure you my intentions are holy
I’m a true mensch and I take it slowly
I rest on the Shabbos and I read the Torah
I don’t eat pork but I’m poly-amoruh
Cuz even though I’m into girls, unlike Lucian
I don’t believe in the marriage institution
But we didn’t shake hands when I said chag sameach
Cuz she’s keepin it Kosher like Shmuley Boteach

No we didn’t shake hands when I said chag sameach
Cuz she’s keepin it Kosher like Shmuley Boteach

(chorus)

Occupy My Sukkah

I need somebody from the one percent
Come camp out with me and I’ll help you pitch your tent
Don’t you need someone to help you fix your bike
I’ll put you in my mouth, be my human mic

Won’t you take me shopping at the mall
I’ll lube you up and you can show me your ball bearings
In the fitting room at Uniqlo
I will make your unit grow

(chorus)
‘Cuz I’m a broke ass queer
lookin for a Chelsea hipster
So potch my tuches
‘Cuz I can’t be rich like my sister

Buy me dinner that I can’t afford
Because you hang out with Harrison Ford
Buy me a drink that I can’t pronounce
Or really anything that’s not a 40 ounce

I’ll occupy your sukkah and shake your lulav
Under the schach with the stars above
If you’re a rich man won’t you be my Shabbos queen?
It’s a mitzvah to ushpizin

(chorus)

If I have your consensus I will sparkle finger you
And eat your Zuccotti when my working group is through
If you’ve got abundance won’t you be my sugar Abba
And smack me with your arava cuz it’s Hoshana Rabba

Dumpster Dive

I met a boy at a potluck brunch
Sipping on dumpstered Hawaiian punch
He was a vegan with a heart of kale
He kissed my neck and began to wail:

(chorus)
Do it yourself
Dumpster dive
Eat that strawberry, you’ll survive
Do it yourself
Dumpster dive
Eat that muffin, eat me alive.

He wore stolen Converse and liked The Clash
I’d never eaten out of the trash
He offered me his beans and roots
I helped myself to his gluten-free glutes

(chorus)

On 7th avenue I showed him my bagel
We sat by a fountain and I read him some Hegel
And then we dumpstered lots of schmear
By Christopher Street, along the pier

(chorus)

I searched through his junk like a detective
I woke up in an anarchist collective
Something I ate made me glow-in-the-dark
Beware of picnics in Prospect Park!

(chorus)

New Men With Old Man Names

There once was a girl whose name was Ann
He knew that he was really a man
His brother’s names were Mike and Dan
But he changed his name to MORDECHAI.

There once was a girl whose name was Joy
He knew that he was really a boy
His best friends’ names were John and Roy
But he changed his name to ELIAHU.

Sometimes we have nails that sparkle
Our names are somewhat patriarchal
But even republicans snark’ll
Admit that we READ THE BIBLE.

(chorus)
New men with old man names!
New men with old man names!
New men with old man names!
New men with old man names!