All Schmekel lyrics are available below, organized by album. Heteros and Goyim may wish to consult our glossary of terms.
QUEERS ON RYE:
1. I’m Sorrshomery, It’s Yom Kippur
2. Shark Attack
3. Tranny Chaser
4. I’ll Be Your Maccabee
5. Pharoah/Moses Slash
6. Super Transsexual Brothers
7. I <3 Str8 Men (Butt Not 4 Sex)
8. The Mohel Song
9. Fondle the TSA Agent
10. Sex With Pans
11. Surgical Drains
Unreleased / Only At Shows:
You’re Not The Only Bear I Fisted
Homotaschen
We Niddah Go Skinny Dipping
Genderqueer Love Song
Occupy My Sukkah
The Binding of Isaac
Dumpster Dive
Shomer Negiyah
FTM at the DMV
Gay Shame
Bat, I’m A Bar
What Would Shmuley Say?
New Men With Old Man Names
All songs ©2010-2012
QUEERS ON RYE
Lyrics by Lucian Kahn and Ricky Riot
Music by Lucian Kahn, Ricky Riot, and Simcha Halpert-Hanson
I’m sorry I left your umbrella in Mailboxes Etcetera
I’m sorry I thought you were ignorant because you’re hetera
I’m sorry I came out to you in such an awkward way
I’m sorry I said you had schmutz on your head when it was Ash Wednesday
Chorus:
Still mad?
I’m not sure.
But today is Yom Kippur
So I’m atoning for some shit I might have done wrong.
I’m sorry that I set all your Enya tapes on fire
I’m sorry I forgot that binders don’t go in the drier
I’m sorry that my emails had an authoritative tone
I’m sorry that I creeped you out by talking about my boner
I’m sorry I started a big flame war that brought out all the lurkers
I’m sorry I was condescending about sex workers
I’m sorry I made fun of you for dancing with a twink
I’m sorry that I left all of my dildoes in the sink
For the sin I have sinned before you by saying it was weird
That you use neutral pronouns like “they” and “sie” and “hir”
For the sin I have sinned before you by wearing polyester
Alchet Shechatanu, for dressing like Queen Esther!
Lyrics by Lucian Kahn
Music by Lucian Kahn and Simcha Halpert-Hanson
I’ve got scars beneath my pecs
From when the surgeon changed my sex
And when I’m out with shirtless men
They ask about their origin
Chorus:
Sarcasm’s a shield that you must learn to carry
Even if your chest’s flat and your chin is hairy
Bigots are stupid but they’re also scary
Don’t want to turn into an obiturary
Shark attack! Shark attack! Shark attack! Shark attack!
My scars are from a shark attack! Shark attack! Shark attack!
Sometimes I don’t want to tell
The dudes who wouldn’t take it well
They might freak out and kick my ass
The moment I no longer pass
Shark attack! Shark attack!
Shark attack! Shark attack!
Lyrics by Lucian Kahn
Music by Lucian Kahn and Ricky Riot
You are a tranny chaser and you want to fuck us all
Cuz we’re so femme or masculine, so hairy or so small,
Or cuz you think my female past will make me a good feminist,
Or cuz you want to lecture me and call me a hegemonist
Or you think I have a pussy or you think I have no cock
Or you think it makes you radical, or you think we’re so punk rock,
You’re just a fucking chaser and I’m sick of your banality
I’m not your tranny blow-up doll, I have a personality
Chorus
Tranny chaser, tranny chaser
Why are you so easy?
Tranny chaser, tranny chaser
Please don’t be so sleazy!
If you are a man, then wanting me makes you a homo
And women, if you want me, that will not make you more PoMo
I do not want to be a footnote in your dissertation
Or a pinup boy for your half-assed intellectual masturbation
Some of us have boyish faces, tiny hands and noses
But we are men, not girls in drag or women with psychosis
And some of us have giant beards and killer abs and bear coats
So if you want to suck my dick, my ‘dick’ is not in ‘scare quotes.’
Lyrics and Music by Lucian Kahn
It’s Hannukah in Brooklyn and I hope you’ll swing my way,
You think I’m kind of sexy, but you’re Christian and you’re gay!
You’ve never been with a guy like me and you have a vague aversion,
But my position isn’t missionary and this isn’t a conversion!
Chorus:
I know you do it like a Greek
and you’re hung like a Christmas tree
But you can be my Shabbos boy
I’ll be your Maccabee!
So come and taste my matzoh balls
Come and light my lights
I only have one drop of lube
But it’ll last us 8 long nights!
You used to dance with the Chelsea boys and you talked like a misogynist,
But through the blur of the Christmas lights, my body looks erogenous!
You love the branch of the evergreen and you feel a bit ambivalent,
But I have a hidden present for you that is the equivalent!
Lyrics by Lucian Kahn and Nogga Schwartz
Music by Lucian Kahn and Ricky Riot
Pharoah said to Moses, “I really like your staff.”
Moses said to Pharoah, “I could split you right in half.”
Moses’ ass was sore, Pharoah found a boil
And BP flooded the Nile with oil!
Chorus:
I’m super unleavened
So pump me if you can
Schtupping is a mitzvah
And I’m a matzah man!
Pharoah spilled his seed, the Jews began to run
and in Moses’ ass was Pharoah’s first born son
40 years of dryness that no KY could cure
and Moses could not enter because he was impure!
Lyrics and Music by Lucian Kahn
When I look at all the papers to change my name
So much small print on the pages
Sometimes I feel like I’m in a videogame
Battling ogres and mages
Psychiatrist grants you a magical key
Take off this ring and you’ve got GID
So much bureaucracy that we cannot see
the flags at the ends of the stages.
Some people ask me if I have a vagina
I think this question is facile.
Changing your sex, much like Final Fantasy X,
Is an incredible hassle.
The way that you’re coding my gender’s a mess
Your worldview’s as boring as Microsoft Chess.
Go read a book because, baby, your princess
is in another castle.
Fetching a crystal from the queen of the water,
Stealing a bomb from a virgin,
Telling my mom, “I’m your son, I’m not your daughter.”
Getting a note for a surgeon.
The strategy guide says this world is a maze,
I’ve been fighting this monster for 42 days,
I have no doubt that the time is running out,
this quest is quite epically urgent.
I <3 Str8 Men (Butt Not 4 Sex)
Lyrics and Music by Lucian Kahn
His Craigslist ad says he’s straight
But he wants an FtM to date
I am so perplexed
I love straight men, but not for sex
On the street he’d overlook us
But now he wants to potch my tuchus
I am really vexed
I love straight men but not for sex!
Chorus:
For I am a gay gay gay gay gay gay homo homo gay
And I want a man to do me in a homo homo way
I don’t want the kind of sodomite who will put it in a broad a night
Unless he’s bi or queer or pan and wants to do me like a man!
You say I am your fetish
Your politics are makin’ my head itch
I am so perplexed
I love straight men but not for sex
I just got your creepy email
You say you’re looking for a she-male
I am really vexed
I love straight men, but not for sex!
The Mohel Song
Lyrics by Lucian Kahn and Nogga Schwartz
Music by Nogga Schwartz
After my first shot of testosterone
Only two weeks and my schmekie had grown
Now I have a foreskin and I am a Jew
I called up my rabbi, said “What should I do?”
I don’t need a fuckin’ mohel!
The rabbi said, “Bubbe, you’re not like us men,
you must follow the laws of the androgen,
you’ll never be counted as one of the ten,
because you cannot produce any semen.”
I don’t need a fuckin’ mohel!
Some of our forefathers had a foreskin
Adam and Noah are also our kin
Some folks eat goats and some folks say the sh’ma
So suck on my foreskin and sing Had Gadya!
My father doesn’t know I have a foreskin
Had Gadyaaaaaa Had Gadya!
Lyrics by Ricky Riot
Music by Ricky Riot and Simcha Halpert-Hanson
I heard about the pat-downs and I was promised heavy-petting
All the way to JFK I was schvitzing I was fretting
But the officer was hunky and I like a man in uniform
And under that police gear he must be gay as a purple unicorn
Because he told me to spread my legs and stand against the wall
His hand kept moving up my thigh but he didn’t feel any balls
So I said “unzip my suitcase and I’ll show you what I’m packing”
But he went and drew his gun and told me to stop yacking
Then I said “I’m sorry officer I wasn’t trying to make you mad”
And I dropped my pants and said “you can go ahead and feel my nads”
But what he saw in front of him was not what he expected
His jaw dropped and his face turn red and his penis got erected
All that shock and horror made the agent drop his gun
So I decided it was time to have a little fun
I took off his clothes and put on his gloves because I like to play it safe
But I didn’t suck his dick cuz I’m a Jew and pigs are treyf
I put his handcuffs on his wrists with his hands behind his back
And took his belt out of his pants and gave his tuches a good whack
You didn’t wanna buy me dinner first and I’m a man with manners
So bend over the x-ray and I’ll put my luggage through your scanner
All the passengers in line were watching it was quite a spectacle
I put my hand between his legs to see what he was hiding in his testicles
Now the folks in line behind me wouldn’t miss their flight to Kentucky
I moved my hand up further to see what he was hiding in his schmuckie
My plane was leaving at ten o’clock it was already half past nine
So I left his gun right in his ass and I made my flight on time
When you fly give the TSA agents the love they deserve
After all they work so hard to protect and serve
Lyrics by Ricky Riot and Lucian Kahn
Music by Ricky Riot
I posted on Craigslist casual encounters
I’m looking for an anus mounter
I weigh a hundred and twenty six
I’m interested in sucking pricks
I said I was transsexual
He said he was pansexual
His email style was so demure
Did he like guys? I wasn’t sure
Chorus:
You like the twinks and the bears and the girls and the boys
And the leather dykes with the silicone toys
The fierce trans ladies and the jocks
And the five foot fags with the two inch cocks
You like the genderqueers and the queens and the fairies
And it doesn’t matter if they’re smooth or hairy
Or butch or femme or cis or trans
But it doesn’t mean that you have sex with pans!
Ai ai ai ai ai ai!!!
He’d never been with another dude
The questions he asked were pretty rude
Trans 101 just makes me flaccid
If you’re bi-curious, go fuck a Hasid
But he was friendly and persisted
He said he was open to getting fisted
At the frat house there was a keg
He said he was down for getting pegged
I asked him whether he was out
He didn’t know what there was to be out about
I thought he was just some straight dude-bro
Until he started pulling on my Jew-fro
So he’s not gay enough but what the hell
It’s one of things I do just to tell the tale
Then I looked at his erection
Figured this was a step in the right direction
Surgical Drains
Lyrics by Lucian Kahn, Nogga Schwartz, and Leonard Richardson
Music by Lucian Kahn
On the first night of my thirteenth Hannukah
Grandma Pearlie gave me my first push-up bra
But all I wanted since I was a shayna Maedel
was a chest upon which I could spin a dreidel
Some like bananas, some like plantains
I just want those surgical drains!
Pour them out and flush the remains
Everybody’s singin’ ’bout surgical drains!
Later I became a right-wing politician
All day long I talked of stocks and ammunition
I said, “Those silly faggots are so heinous!”
But I really wanted to take it in the anus.
You can keep your capital gains
I just want those surgical drains!
Did they ever find Saddam Hussein’s
Weapons of massive surgical drains?
At the election, no-one abstains
Everybody votes for surgical drains!
The highest distinction that one can obtain,
Congressional Medal of Surgical Drains!
Those muscley teabaggers sat on my face
I sucked their balls all over the place
I wished I was a little bit more boobless
I never want to go anywhere tubeless
When I sit next to strangers on trains
I just talk about surgical drains!
It’s such a fun topic that no-one complains
When I bring up surgical drains!
Some look for men with talent and brains,
but I want a man with surgical drains!
When I’m watching snakes on a plane,
I just think about surgical drains!
I can’t get no kick from champagne
But I get a kick out of surgical drains!
I can’t get no kick from cocaine,
But I get a kick out of surgical drains!
Unreleased Songs:
You’re Not The Only Bear I Fisted
Lyrics and Music by Lucian Kahn and Ricky Riot
I wore my leather chaps to the Eagle
The bouncer said, “Queen, you aren’t legal.”
So I said, “No really, I’m 29
and if you let me in, I can do you from behind.”
The bouncer said, “Boy, you wanna top me?
I’m huge and hairy, can’t you see?”
“Just drop your pants, Sir,” I insisted
“You’re not the only bear I fisted.”
Chorus:
You say I’m limp-wristed
But you’re not the only bear I fisted!
I wore my vinyl suit to the Cock
This guy said I looked like Dr. Spock
That flaming trekkie was cute but snotty
So I said, “Bend over and I’ll beam you up, Scotty.”
He looked at my crotch and said, “You don’t have the power,
You must live long to prosper from a golden shower.”
I said, “Don’t get your boxers twisted,
You’re not the only bear I fisted.”
I wore my skinny jeans to the Phoenix
Some fuzzy guy said, “You don’t have a penis.”
“Sure I do, but whatever, let’s not talk semantics
Take off your clothes and I’ll get my hand slick.”
So he took out his dick and I said, “No, turn around.”
And I got out a glove and lube by the pound.
He growled and he roared and his glasses got misted.
He’s not the only bear I’d fisted.
Lyrics and Music by Lucian Kahn
V1:
I was in the land of Shushan at the court of King Antiochus
Whose punk rock shows were full of rabid pro and anti Zionists
So ethical, they thought that compromise made you a dickhead
So I went off looking for a punk rock boy who was purely wicked.
Chorus:
I wanna eat your HAMENTASCHEN
I wanna eat your HAMENTASCHEN
I wanna eat your HAMENTASCHEN
Bend over Haman, be my queen!
V2:
Haman had a dungeon where ten minions used to dangle
His mohawk was a rainbow and his hat was a triangle
He was a master baker, like a cookie he would fill me
I said, “I love you Haman, even though you want to kill me!”
V3:
I tied old Haman up with rope, I spanked her and undressed her
He was the pillow princess at our Banquet of Queen Esther
I need a hamentaschen hole to put my stuff in
So hold onto your pillow and gaaaaaaay shlufen!
Lyrics by Ricky Riot
Music by Ricky Riot and Lucian Kahn
Verse 1:
Since you heard about the surgery and chopping off my tits
You journalists just wanna hear me talk about my bits
You’re getting very personal, it’s only our first meeting
But the dumbest thing you’ve ever asked was if I miss my bleeding.
It’s funny that you ask cuz if you want me to get gory
And talk about my genitals then I’ll tell you a story
So you’ll finally shut up about how we used to be women
But before we get so intimate let’s find something to swim in
Chorus:
We Niddah cleanse ourselves
Yai dubba dee bee dai
We Niddah cleanse ourselves of our impurities
We Niddah Go Skinny Dipping
Yai dubba dee bee dai
We Niddah Go Skinny Dipping, I hope that we don’t freeze — OY!
Verse 2:
A month before my tittychop I had to stop injections
Drank plenty of kombucha so I won’t get yeast infections
But a week after I got home from the operation
The unthinkable happened and I started menstruation
The doctor said that it’s because my body’s under stress
That it’ll go away in a couple days or less
Now my chest is bruised, I can’t bend down to turn my amp on
I hope no one walks in on me when I change my tampon
Verse 3:
They should’ve also taken out my ovaries
Cuz now I have some halachic difficulties
But I’d never ask my rabbi about this situation
Cuz if I don’t like his answer I don’t want the obligation
I need help opening the door and putting on my kippah
It could be worse at least I don’t have to do a bedikah
We’ll go get naked in the lake as soon as I’m done healing
But for now avoid the Mitzvah Tank cuz I can’t lay tefillin
Verse 4:
There are things the Amorites never did discuss
They dissected cows to learn about the uterus
They never had to deal with bodies this bizarro
So let’s get ready just in case Moshiach comes tomorrow
Cuz the only way impurity could matter to a man
Is if we rebuild the Temple and we’re sacrificing lambs
But in the meantime we can’t bone until we find some water
Cuz we are men of halacha we’re coming for your daughters
Lyrics and Music by Lucian Kahn
V1:
No I don’t wanna be an oppressive grammarian,
They’re the one for me!
No I don’t wanna be an antiquarian,
They’re the one for me!
Chorus:
Genderqueer! Love Song!
Genderqueer! Love Song!
Genderqueer! Love Song!
Genderqueer! Love!
V2:
No I don’t wanna be a gender sectarian,
They’re the one for me!
I don’t wanna be a fascist, I’m not Aryan,
They’re the one for me!
V3:
No I don’t need a box to catch this fairy in,
They’re the one for me!
I don’t care if they’re testicular or ovarian,
They’re the one for me!
V4:
No I don’t wanna be an ANTIDISESTABLISHMENTARIAN,
They’re the one for me!
Lyrics and Music by Ricky Riot
V1:
I need somebody from the one percent
Come camp out with me and I’ll help you pitch your tent
Don’t you need someone to help you fix your bike?
I’ll put you in my mouth, be my human mic
Won’t you take me shopping at the mall?
I’ll lube you up and you can show me your ball bearings
in the fitting room at Uniqlo
I will make your unit grow
CHORUS:
‘Cuz I’m a broke ass queer
lookin for a Chelsea hipster
So potch my tuches
‘Cuz I can’t be rich like my sister
V2:
Buy me dinner that I can’t afford
Because you hang out with Harrison Ford
Buy me a drink that I can’t pronounce
Or really anything that’s not a 40 ounce
I’ll suck you in your sukkah and shake your lulav
under the schach with the stars above
If you’re a rich man won’t you be my Shabbos queen?
It’s a mitzvah to ushpizin
CHORUS
V3:
If I have your consensus I will sparkle finger you
And eat your Zuccotti when my working group is through
You’re so plentiful, won’t you be my sugar Abba
So smack me with your arava cuz it’s Hoshana Rabba
If you’re interested then won’t you get on stack
I will overhaul your bottom bracket
You are so successful and so dignified
You need a Jewish punk to keep you occupied!
Lyrics and Music by Simcha Halpert-Hanson, Lucian Kahn, Ricky Riot, and Nogga Schwartz
V1:
Rosh Hashanah apples and honey and nuts are grinding,
The synagogue’s packed but I’m only binding.
I look like I’m twelve — at least my face is not a pizza,
But no one seems to know me on this side of the mechitza.
Chorus:
The binding of Isaac!
Bum diddy bum bum bum!
V2:
Old Marvin from the Y, who I’ve known since I was three
Asks my dad, “How’s your daughter?” not knowing that was me.
Dad says, “Elaine is fine.” He smiles and begins to shuckle,
I look down at the Machsur and my knees begin to buckle.
V3:
The rabbi calls Eliezer ben Yisroyel to the bima,
This parsha’s super creepy and I really miss my Ima.
The ram is in the bush, but don’t look so cowardly,
Bind the cloth around my chest, daddy overpower me.
Lyrics and Music by Lucian Kahn and Ricky Riot
I met a boy at a potluck brunch
Sipping on dumpstered Hawaiian punch
He was a vegan with a heart of kale
He kissed my neck and began to wail:
Chorus:
Do it yourself
Dumpster dive
Eat that strawberry, you’ll survive
Do it yourself
Dumpster dive
Eat that muffin, eat me alive.
He wore stolen Converse and liked The Clash
I’d never eaten out of the trash
He offered me his beans and roots
I helped myself to his gluten-free glutes
On 7th avenue I showed him my bagel
We sat by a fountain and I read him some Hegel
And then we dumpstered lots of schmear
By Christopher Street, along the pier
I searched through his junk like a detective
I woke up in an anarchist collective
Something I ate made me glow-in-the-dark
Beware of picnics in Prospect Park!
Lyrics and Music by Ricky Riot
There’s a party at the synagogue for Simchat Torah
A circle of bochurs are dancing the hora
I find a place in the circle next to Shlomo
All this hand-holding is kinda bro-mo
Oy li if they find out that I’m trans
They don’t recognize me with peyos and pants
Cuz even though I have a beard and spectacles
They won’t hold my hand if I don’t have a schmecktickle
The ladies are like who’s this hadres-ponim
I heard he’s a feygeleh who likes the bonim
Nobody minds listening to a man sing
Before my transition that could lead to mixed dancing
So while they’re all doing the Hava Nagilah
Let’s go to my house and smoke a nargillah
But if you think this is a shidduch then see ya
Because I could never be shomer negiyah
You met a nice maydelah but you’re not gonna shtup her
Even all the feygelahs know that some girls just want a chupper
Maybe she is monogamous I have no idea
Or maybe she thinks I’m a communist
Or maybe she’s shomer negiyah
yabadai da di di dai dai yabidabai deedee dai dai dai
yai dai da bidabi dai dai yabidi dabadaba dai dai dai
I can assure you my intentions are holy
I’m a true mensch and I take it slowly
I keep the Sabbath holy and I read the Torah
I don’t eat treyf but I’m poly-amorah
And even though I’m into girls, unlike Lucian
I don’t believe in the marriage institution
We didn’t shake hands when I said chag sameach
Cuz she’s keepin it kosher like Shmuley Boteach
No they didn’t shake hands when he said chag sameach
Cuz she likes it kosher like Shmuley Boteach
You met a nice maydelah but you’re not gonna shtup her
Even all the feygelahs know that some girls just want a chupper
Maybe she is monogamous I have no idea
Or maybe she thinks I’m a Zionist
Or maybe she’s shomer negiyah
yabadai da di di dai dai yabidabai deedee dai dai dai
yai dai da bidabi dai dai yabidi dabadaba dai dai dai
You met a nice maydelah but you’re not gonna shtup her
Even all the feygelahs know that some girls just want a chupper
Maybe she is monogamous I have no idea
Or maybe she thinks I’m a hippopotamus
Or maybe she’s shomer negiyah
Lyrics by Lucian Kahn
Music by Lucian Kahn and Ricky Riot
V1:
You’ve got your peius in a curl
But your driver’s licence says you’re a girl
You’ve got black slacks and a small round hat
You feel like Yentl (What’s that?) It’s Pat!
Everyone says you’re what you’re not
You didn’t even drive here because it’s Shabbat
You love your car so much, you want to lube her
But you’re stuck in line reading Martin Buber!
Chorus:
You’re FTM at the DMV
FTM at the DMV
FTM at the DMV
And you’re a Conservadox Jew!
(#2: And you’re a Reconstructionist Jew!
#3: And you’re a Humanist Jew!
#4a: And you’re an Atheist Jew!
#4b: And you’re a Marxist Jew!
#4c: And you’re a Jew Jew Jew!)
V2:
The girls in the line treat you like a pariah
A crazy old man’s shouting ’bout the messiah
The workers are laughing at your legal name
You’re full of pastrami and societal shame!
Everyone says you’re what you’re not
You didn’t even drive here because it’s Shabbat
You love your car so much, you want to lube her
But you’re stuck in line reading Martin Buber!
Lyrics by Lucian Kahn
Music by Lucian Kahn and Simcha Halpert-Hanson
V1:
You did what the HRC said you should
So gay yuppies and white old dudes
Can take over working class neighborhoods
And buy organic groceries at Whole Foods
Congratulations to the married men
And the runaway queers eating your hors devours
I’m sure you invited them to the party
‘Cuz we all know who “equality” serves.
Chorus:
GAY SHAME. GAY SHAME. GAY SHAME.
GAY SHAME. GAY SHAME. GAY SHAME.
GAY SHAME. GAY SHAME. GAY SHAME.
V2:
You say feminists are Delilah to your Samson
Busting your balls like a condom of lambskin
Trans boy pals, you say you’ve got a passel
But trans girls have elected you National Asshole
You see me fully clothed and you’re scared of my man-cunt
But there’s pictures of your nutsack on Grindr and Manhunt
Say you’re not sexist, just a regular homa
If vaginas remind you of the whale that ate Jonah.
V3:
You ask me why I won’t marry my boyfriend
You can’t even see how the movement’s been poisoned
“Genderqueer” is not in your vocabulary
You haven’t talked to a lesbian since 1993
You sell conservative systems as innovation
You don’t see a problem with gentrification
You don’t know if your landlord is Russian or Haitian
You walk the streets of Brooklyn with your pure-bred dalmatian.
Lyrics and Music by Nogga Schwartz
V1:
I woke up one morning, I was seeing red,
It was my Bat Mitzvah day, I was out of my head,
The family was all gathered to celebrate a young bsule,
But I was feeling very ill and wanted to skip school-e.
Chorus:
Bat? I’m a Bar.
(I wish you would listen.)
Bat? I’m a Bar.
(Doesn’t anybody hear?)
Bat? I’m a bar. I’m a bar. I’m a bar.
V2:
I dreamed of wearing a kippa and donning my best suit,
Putting on my tallis and getting all the loot,
Instead I wore a velvet dress with my sweatpants underneath
My mother was annoyed, she said, “You will schvitz in this heat.”
V3:
I led the service without a hitch, all the aunts and cousins watchin’,
Pride was on their faces, I was surprised I didn’t brehk’n,
There was a DJ and all my friends, we got feschnicket and danced the hora,
My saba danced the Macarena, I tried to forget my gender dysphora.
V4:
That night I came home distraught, and lacking much attention,
Drunk on Manischewitz, wishing I was in the minyan,
I spent the night with my bashert, a family friend was he,
And in our drunken stupor, I lost my virginity.
V5:
Years have passed by, I am now a young bochur,
No longer that shayna maydele, my dreams they have come truer
I am in my late ’20s and my voice will sometimes crack
I look perhaps Bar Mitzvah age, and I am never looking back.
Now I’m a bar.
I’m a bar. I’m a bar. I’m a bar. I’m a bar.
Lyrics and Music by Ricky Riot
Isn’t it lovely that we’re friends wouldn’t it be fun to pretend
That you’re the rabbi and you caught me skipping class
I did not recite my prayers so bend me over the classroom chair
Pull my hair and fuck me in the ass
It’s so delightful that we’re friends and that I’m not completely gay
So punish me for working so hard on the holy day
Show me how to find G-d for I’ve been a wayward Jew
And I need to be told what to do
CHORUS:
oy oy oy oy
oy oy oy oy
oy oy oy oy
oy
Isn’t it charming that we are buds two years of T made me a stud
So shove me into the wall with an alarming thud
I hope you don’t mind that I’m smitten looking at the places you
Left a giant black and blue
Isn’t it pleasant that we’re chums aren’t you glad we aren’t frum
So hit me with a bike tube flogger ’till I’m numb
You make me cum in such a complicated way
Oh what will Shmuley say
BRIDGE:
You inspire something tender you require something shmlatzy
Oh you bring out something emo, something fuzzy soft and artsy
Shove things in my mouth benevolently tie me up magnificently
Bite me and not too gently
You beat me up so elegantly
Lyrics by Lucian Kahn
Music by Lucian Kahn and Ricky Riot
There once was a girl whose name was Ann
He knew that he was really a man
His brother’s names were Mike and Dan
But he changed his name to MORDECHAI.
There once was a girl whose name was Joy
He knew that he was really a boy
His best friends’ names were John and Roy
But he changed his name to ELIAHU.
Sometimes we have nails that sparkle
Our names are somewhat patriarchal
But even republican snark’ll
Admit that we READ THE BIBLE.
Chorus:
New men with old man names!
New men with old man names!
New men with old man names!
New men with old man names!